the most heartwrenching thing in TSBC history. the homely building along cambridge road i call my second home, the lovely people i deeply loved and respected and looked up to, the one body, family i regarded closer than kin.
i remember stepping into this church and thinking to myself, never will i ever leave. rain or shine i will come here to worship God. till i cannot do that anymore. till i'm old and bedridden. from then till now, i haven't missed a single worship.
even as i make the decision that tears me apart, shiaohong remembers the time in the car when we were on our way back to church from novena square, that i said, "zhe tiao lu shi yong yuan dou hui zou de". and it thugs heavily at my heartstrings.
i'd be very frank on this blogsphere.
i'm puzzled. one member stands up in the congregation saying things i hear in disbelief. and no one begged to differ. maybe i shouldn't be utterly appalled by a group of persons' point of view. maybe they don't represent the views of the whole congregation. but then again, no one begged to differ? a church is a place of love, but not a place that condones sin, right?
ugly.
even as many shed tears of disappointment, disillusion, frustration, confusion, and hurt, even as a mad rush breaks out in frantic persuasion, whispers, gossip, brainwashing, whatever you call it, the ugliness of our sinful nature is certainly a heart-wrending sight. how would non-Christians see us, or even young Christians? this is not good testimony.. at times like this, i believe nobody is as deeply grieved as our loving Saviour, who painstakingly redeemed us with His sacrifice. every sin we commit, we pin Him on the cross all over again. did we forget that? but even as accusations upon accusations are hurled, when the tongues of man seem untame-able, in the midst of fear and strife, God gives His small still voice of assurance that He is in control. He is greater than our hearts, and He knows everything.
with all the struggles, tears, pain - it's not easy, but i'm leaving. purely because i really desire to serve in a church that's not only Bible-believing, but upholds God's Word as the utmost highest authority. night after night i lie in bed, with tears in my eyes. night after night i am increasingly convinced that this is the stand that i must take.
it breaks my heart just thinking of all the people i'm gonna be missing badly. it breaks my heart just thinking how hurt they will be, thinking we had abandoned them. i will miss eunice.. my best friend in church.. my BEST friend in church.. yes the tears will dry one day but the wounds, they're gonna take a long time to heal. i will miss phoebe.. i thought i was gonna watch her grow up and get married. i will miss deacon lee, whom will always, always be a father figure in my heart, whose immense love showed to our whole family i will never forget and whom i will always, always respect and love, no matter what. i will miss shir, tricia, weizhong, jiekai, joseph, nicole, lirong, who has become so much a part of us, and yet suddenly, we all can't be together anymore..
whom did i talked to, i talked to sis lay ker, i talked to dianjuan. and i totally understand their reasons for staying. and i saw it in their eyes the pain in seeing people leave. yes i understand that pain. when uncle david tells darius again and again in the fellowship room after Reverend Chiang's talk that day, "darius, you're a man now. i can let you go.." i know it must have broke his heart to see the boy, whom he had watched grown up from young, leave.
how sharp the darts of Satan, how deep the pain, but all the more we need to grasp on tightly to the grace of God.
i guess we shouldn't look at human weakness, but look to Christ. the Revealer of the snares and chasms that lurk in darkness, the Rebuker of every evil thing that prowls by night, the Stiller of the storm-winds of passion, the Quickener of all that is wholesome, the Adorner of all that is beautiful, the Torch of truth, the Anchor of hope, the Pillar of faith, the Rock for strength, the Refuge for security, the Fountain for refreshment, the Vine for gladness, the Lamb for tenderness, the Friend for counsel, the Brother for love, the Reconciler of contradictions, the Harmonizer of discords, the Healer of diseases, the Saviour from sin.
God must have His reasons for putting us through this lessons for each of us to learn maybe a different lesson for every individual perhaps one lesson is: the need to embrace forgiveness and love.. to dwell on what our belief in an absolutely sovereign and almighty God means to us. to put all our trust in Him and Him alone, to pray that our attitudes towards everything that comes our way reflect that trust, to have confidence that our God rules tomorrow as well as today.
i'm hurting. but i have You, my strong Refuge.
Thursday, March 08, 2007 @ 6:45:00 PM
my tears build but remain quiet and unsung
i have some happy things and some sad things to say but first of all
i'm SO upset!! i left my specs on the busssssssssssssss it fell outta my baggggggggggg i'm so upset so upset so so so upsettttttt :( :( :( :( :( :( :( :( :( :( :( :( :( :(
alright, anyways, went geri's yesterday to PLAY MAHJONG (YAY!)
with her,
with jonman
who looks abit gay now (due to the weather, may i add)
and with sammikins
i like to stack my tiles like that, if you didn't already know.
MY CHIPS! so manyyyy (but we didn't play money of course) jonman is the biggest winner as in, in terms of chips, cos he won 2 rounds with 5 tais. but I won the most number of rounds OKAY!
that was the happier thing that i was talking about.
after that i went newton to meet darius, then go Curry Wok to meet shao at beside coronation for dinner. nice cheap homey food (: then we went carl&magdalene's house for prayer meeting.
now the sad thing.
phone calls / the evil of slanders / stab after stab / hurts a tad. can we have some understanding here puh-lease.
in Christ alone my hope is found He is my light, my strength, my song this cornerstone, this solid ground firm through the fiercest drought and storm what heights of love, what depths of peace when fears are stilled, when strivings cease my Comforter, my all in all here in the love of Christ i stand.
in Christ alone, who took on flesh fullness of God in helpless Babe this Gift of love and righteousness scorned by the ones He came to save till on the cross as Jesus died the wrath of God was satisfied for every sin on Him was laid here in the death of Christ i live
there in the ground His body lay light of the world by darkness slain then bursting forth in glorious day up from the grave He rose again and as He stands in victory sin's curse has lost its grip on me for i am His and He is mine bought with the precious blood of Christ
no guilt in life, no fear in death this is the power of Christ in me from life's first cry to final breath Jesus commands my destiny no power of hell, no scheme of man can ever pluck me from His hand till He returns or calls me home here in the power of Christ i'll stand
now the next sad thing.
the day before, and the day before that, i have been going tan tock seng to accompany bestie.. cos her dad's in the ICU. it grieves me to see uncle in coma, supposedly unconscious but seemingly aware of what's going on. it grieves me that the flowers i bought cannot even be brought into the ward to brighten up that cold room, to make him feel slightly better in case he's suddenly wakes. it grieves me that things will never be the same again. and it grieves me everytime yan & her family breaks down in sobs and helplessness.
yesterday, the doctor had to do a cleaning-up operation cos they suspect that the bacteria that has spread via bloodstreams all over the body comes from his amputation wound. if they don't clean it up, his condition might worsen. if they do, it wouldn't make him better, it will just slow down the speed / lessen the possibility of further bacteria infection. but, uncle's heart might not be able to take the anaesthetic, and chances of death if they perform the operation is more than 50%.. it tears me apart to see yan's family devastated when they sign the papers. yet i couldn't assure them with my hope in Christ. i couldn't do anything but to grief with them.
my biggest comfort is that when no one could be with uncle in that cold, freezing room surrounded by all the tubes and machines, and all you hear is the unfeeling beeping, pumping, cranking of the machines, God's love, grace and mercy can reach the innermost of his soul, God can calm his deepest fears, and only God can.. but how can they trust in a God they do not know? how can they take refuge in a God they never confided in? i could only pray, that for better or for worse, God's peace that transcends all human understanding will be with uncle. i could only hope, that one day they will come to know my God. the God who takes care of the minutest detail. even those in a 15-minute operation.
at 7 plus i went to church because i wanted to know what Reverend Chiang has to say.. regarding whatever that has been happening.
sometimes i feel like this whole thing is somewhat parents' divorce tearing the children apart. but there's more than meets the eye. it's a fierce spiritual battle.
at 9 plus i went back to tan tock seng cos uncle's operation is after midnight. caroline, audrey, tricia came as well. thank God also for darius who came with me, and we could pray together at the hospital. for God promises that if two of you on earth agree about anything you ask for, it will be done for you by my Father in heaven. for where two or three come together in my name, there am I with them. and know what? the operation was successful (: thank God for the best outcome (':
now another sad thing, doodoo is going Hanoi tomorrow until the 12th ): ): ):
truth forever
on the scaffold,
wrong forever
on the throne.
yet the scaffold
sways the future,
and behind
the dim unknown,
standeth God
within the shadow,
keeping watch,
above His own.
| verse of the day
| beautiful, i just want you to know, you are my favourite girls
not what my hands have done
can save my guilty soul
not what my toiling flesh has borne
can make my spirit whole
not what i feel or do
can give me peace with God
not all my prayers & sighs & tears
can bear my awful load
Your work alone, O Christ
can ease this weight of sin
Your blood alone, O Lamb of God
can give me peace within
Your love to me, O God
not mine, O Lord, to thee
can rid me of this dark unrest
& set my spirit free
Your grace alone, O God
to me can pardon speak
Your power alone, O Son of God
can this sore bondage break
no other work, save thine
no other blood will do
no strength, save that which is divine
can bear me safely through
i bless the Christ of God
i rest on love divine & with unfaltering lip & heart
i call this Saviour mine
His cross dispels each doubt
i bury in His tomb
each thought of unbelief & fear
each lingering shade of gloom
i praise the God of grace
i trust His truth & might
He calls me His, i call Him mine
my God, my joy, me light
'tis He who saveth me
& freely pardon gives
i love because He loveth me
i live because He lives (:
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